"What to do if your support system isn't so supportive"
Sexual violence in and of itself, contains so many dynamics. More often than not, it is the victim who feels all the blame after a sexual assault and it is unfortunately those closest to the victim of this crime who do alot of the blaming. Maybe its fear that drives them to be this way or the realization that they themselves or those they love are not immune to being victimized by this crime. Maybe its that we live in a society that struggles to be empathetic and its just easier to minimize others challenges. I love the saying "walk a mile in my shoes" and find this to be a good analogy regarding the lack of empathy people sometimes have. Whatever it is, if you've been impacted by this crime, you very likely are relating at this very moment to what you're reading and you often feel misunderstood.
Having no support and feeling all alone is a horrendous place to be. It hurts to be blamed. It hurts to be criticized. It hurts to be minimized. We all need validation and support but many times, especially for victims of sexual violence, it is hard to find. At the same time, that critical support system can be the key to eventually finding a place of healing and wholeness.
I'm reminded of how hard it was to find just a single, solitary human being that I could trust after my own assault. It was just awful. I felt so alone and isolated. I had no advocate and my poor family had no idea what to do with me, so I tried not to turn to them-it was too painful. There were the physical ramifications I was faced with after my assault, but the emotional ones were by far the most painful, not to mention lengthy. I was a train wreck-so was everyone around me.
I tried on multiple occasions to get the nerve up and try to talk to someone about it. After much trial and error, I learned that I needed to be extremely cautious of who and who not to share with. I finally (a year later) found a great therapist who specialized in rape and trauma and helped start me on my journey to healing. Looking back over the last 24 years and the lessons learned and how my perspective has changed, I can see and appreciate several people who were there even if their support wasn't perfect-they were there for me!
In saying all of that, the impact of this crime is mind boggling-especially with trust. It has been said that "without trust you have nothing". I completely agree with that statement. So maybe you've tried to reach out to someone, only to feel worse after opening up to them and you find yourself not only feeling alone but untrusting, and most definitely feeling unworthy. I can promise that with time, patience and a persevering spirit you can and will feel better. It will take time, hard work and alot of endurance but you can overcome!
So... what can you do? Where can you turn? Who can help you? First and foremost, don't give up and keep trying to find that safe person. Maybe raise your standards in who you choose to share your experience with. Meaning-not everyone will have the skills to help you. Try to find a person who has excellent listening and problem solving skills. Someone who is patient and even tempered. Maybe it doesn't need to be a friend or family member, after all those closest to you have been victimized by this crime as well. They are secondary victims.
One of your best options might be a trained, skilled advocate. Those are fairly easy to find thru your local rape crisis center. Another option is to find a therapist or counselor to help. There are some really great, well trained therapist out there that really are invested in the work they do. Better yet, find one that specializes in rape and trauma. It will be you that does all the work, but a really great therapist will be there on the sidelines cheering you on and guiding you into a healthy place.
In the end, wherever you find support and whomever you find support from, remember that YOU DO MATTER! Not everyone can or will be helpful and supportive. You will many times feel forever damaged, misunderstood and alone. DO NOT let others inadequacies or lack of empathy or their own pain keep you from seeking help and support. I truly believe that by speaking your truth, purging your pain, and choosing to never give up you can and will find healing.
